A Poem: The Wishlist

The Wishlist

Love uncomprehendable
Love that's so divine
Love so dependable
Love that's hard to find

Hope that overcomes all odds
Hope that outweighs fear
Hope not from other gods
Hope that brings some cheer

Peace to end all silly wars
Peace of mind and soul
Piece by piece we find our own
Peace that makes us whole

Faith so overpowering
That moves a mountain strong
Faith so overwhelming
We break out into song

Grace that opens up my heart
Grace that God gives me
Grace that makes my sins depart
Grace that sets me free

Waves of Doubt

In the roaring of my mind's own storm

I do not feel at ease

Lost and so long forlorn

Amidst my soul's deep seas

Ripping at me inside out

Tearing at my soul

Tossing me through waves of doubt

It takes its heavy toll

It churns

And splashes

It turns

And crashes

Beyond my weak control

And makes me yearn for something more

That will appease my soul

For in the roaring of my mind's own storm
I do not feel at ease
Lost and so long forlorn
Amidst my soul's deep seas

Light Shining out of Darkness

God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform; He plants His footsteps in the sea, And rides upon the storm. Deep in unfathomable mines Of never-failing skill, He treasures up His bright designs, And works His sovereign will. Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take, The clouds ye so much dread Are big with mercy, and shall break In blessings on your head. Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, But trust Him for His grace; Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face. His purposes will ripen fast, Unfolding every hour; The bud may have a bitter taste, But sweet will be the flower. Blind unbelief is sure to err, And scan His work in vain: God is His own interpreter, And he will make it plain.

William Cowper

I have been thinking lately, that I think I think too much. Is that possible?
And sometimes I think I don't think enough. Is it unhealthy to not think much? Or is it better to think and think and think?
I don't know.
What's been on my mind a lot lately are the questions "Who am I?" and "What am I doing here?"
Personally... I think these are great questions to have on my mind every now and then as they keep me in check with myself. (In check? Is that even grammatically correct?) However, it's also extremely annoying.
I've been wondering about God's destiny for my life. I remember at a VCAC camp a long time ago (probably my first one), we discussed our destiny's and since then I have believe that God has wanted me to be a Youth Worker/Pastor.
However, lately I have been questioning whether this is in fact my destiny. I have been battling with my insecurities and questioning my motives.
Someone in my youth studies course asked me not that long ago, why I chose the course. I didn't know how to answer, and ended up saying that it looked like fun.
What kind of motive is that? I kicked myself afterwards for not saying more... or for not having a developed answer to that question.
You know... I've always changed my mind when it came to what I wanted to be "when I grew up"... Once I wanted to be a professional figure skater.. However, after discovering that that was probably physically impossible, I then decided I wanted to be a nurse... Then a police woman... Then a chef... Then a vet... Then a vet nurse... and finally I chose a youth work course. From vet nurse to youth worker.. certainly a very strange combination.
You see, I think my problem lies in the fact that I can't differentiate between what I want and what God wants and whether what God wants and what I want are two different things... or that what I want is what God wants and as you can see, I get in this very confusing muddle.
The only thing I know for sure about my destiny, is that God wants to use me in a big way.
Obviously I need to pray more, and maybe... just maybe.. I need to think more. Or maybe that's the problem? Maybe I think too much.
Who knows.
Oh well. Whatever I do, may God use me to fulfill his will.

Stress and all that jazz.

Stress? A spiritual attack or a natural human reaction?
Good question. One which I really don't think I could answer.
Do you ever feel so stressed that it feels like you're not going to cope? You feel like you just want to throw in the towel and curl up in a small hole to hide? Yes? No?
Well that's the kind of stress I have been feeling for the past month.
Overwhelmed by workloads that seemed impossible, and almost were impossible. Afraid that I didn't complete them to the proper standard and scared that I'll end up as a complete failure.
My insecurities began to overtake any sense of rationality I had and left me a complete stressed-out mess!
However, I am still alive. It's amazing when you get stressed to a point at which you think you are going to die, and you actually want to. Not because you're suicidal and clinically depressed. Only because you have choosen to believe that dying would ease your burden.

It's ironic how the littlest things stress people out. So is it a spiritual attack, or natural human behaviour?
I think it's natural human behaviour that is further exaggerated by a spiritual attack. Human nature is weak and Satan sees your vulnerability as the right time to strike.
He loves it even more when his victim is a Christian.
Hence, we need to guard ourselves against all evil, especially during our most stressed times.

"Put on the full armour of God so you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."

Ephesians 6:11 (NIV)

The Courage of a Soldier

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them."